mental illness & adulthood
There is a lot that goes into mental illness which makes every person's experiences different, and that is a good thing. Yet, there is a lot of similarities i find among others who have mental illnesses, similar night terrors, hallucinations, irrational thoughts, impulsive/erratic behaviors and physical symptoms, even similar mindset overall.
Many times in the past, i felt a constant mode of "fight or flight", high anxiety to the point of panic attacks on a nearly daily basis, had agoraphobia and anti-social behaviors. i've been through many sleep paralysis dreams especially when i was 13-16 years old. i still get sleep paralysis every now and then, but in those ages? the dreams were very vivid that i couldn't tell what was reality or not, even if there were very clear signs of fictional events occurring (i.e. portals, demonic events, etc). daily functioning was difficult with constant, high anxiety that was worsened with caffeine or sugar while constantly hearing auditory hallucinations even when i had the house to myself most days. visual hallucinations of insects, quick shadows, and figures that move about were common in daytime, which were much more visible and prominent during nighttime. i felt sick to my stomach most days, feeling disappointed or disgusted with myself due to lack of motivation which caused a lack of hygiene. my depression ran the deepest at 15, barely leaving my bed and not showering for most days. alongside self destructive behaviors such as chewing my cheeks, skin picking (including scalp scratches), and binge-eating.
my nightmares fueled my agoraphobia and at times, felt like my agoraphobia caused my nightmares and it became an infinite cycle. the only times i'd leave the house was for high school for 2 years and to go to a grocery mart to buy snacks and drinks, even then i would request my parents to buy things for me by sending google images of what i want. i truly did live like a hikikomori in the years that i took a year off of school and another 2 years for online school. i started a job quite late even when forced to go to university, causing my agoraphobia to gradually go away but my anxiety was difficult to manage. i still tried my best to avoid people, eye contact, and had recluse behaviors to appear small or come across as unnoticeable (i.e. staring at the ground, staying near walls). entering and leaving college classes were the worst feeling. id sweat every time for a good few minutes until i felt as though the attention of the class were to the professor.
often my irrational thought processes were like "if i go outside, what would happen if the zombie apocalypse starts" or "i shouldn't hang out with this person because then it would mean they'd start caring and knowing my existence, when i should work towards complete isolation to go through with sui plans" and many more thoughts that were absurd in my mind. the first line of thinking was most times pessimistic and i didn't have high standards or expectations towards anything either. Living life back then felt dreary, as if the colors looked dulled in my eyes, literally the blue sky appeared gray to me as if my vision just had a hint of monochromacy. Life passed by me as if i were a person in a seat of a dark room, watching a small tv of what my eyes perceived. i felt like i was living in the back of my head rather than in the present, in front of my eyes and my own body.
it is very possible to get out of this headspace, this lifestyle and mentality.. it takes a lot of processing, a good support system, professional help, and a lot of self reflection/determination