mental tragedies
once ive let go the reason and ability to care in my mind, it became very quiet. for some time now, my biological guardians and their words do not haunt me anymore. the demons in my head, the neuroticism, pessimism, however you call it, has been quiet and yet only comes back when im faced with new challenges and experiences.
when good things happen to me, it is so foreign that i try to understand that this is supposed to be the norm. when i do, the scale in which ive lived through pain, tragedy, trauma, has felt so immensely far from what i consider "good" or "normal," maybe even "bare minimum."
its difficult to accept even the bare minimum, but somehow i feel that i deserve more than that at times. maybe i just know how to treat others too gently out of my own experiences and empathy.
i feel so deeply, no matter what it is, im sensitive, but, i never let these feelings control me anymore. as a kid, i didnt know any better. all the terrible things ive done, said, acted on. these horrible, tragic, or violent thoughts and actions does not carry over in my interpersonal relationships, only to my internal self. ive cried over scenarios that never happened yet ive dreamed, envisioned, daydreamed all my alternate universes and branching paths to a severe degree.
the demons in my head sway me day in and day out, torments me about my decisions, my time, against my own rationale. the nurture and nature in my head fight rather than work together. my body, mind, and heart never aligned in my life. i feel multiple pulls inside of me that doesnt belong to me in the end.
the suicidal ideations never leave you. theyve only came back to me, to make me become internally flagellant. its the only way to keep me in-line. i ride on the edge between hopeless and potentially saved.