my perception of myself
every day has been more difficult in many ways when it comes to myself. i realize things every day lately. ive been asking myself where im at in life and what im doing this for. we all need a reminder why we do things in life in the first place and what the purpose of our lives may be. nobody gave us a purpose except ourselves. i still wonder what it is for me even though im nearing my 30s in a few years. i always felt behind in life no matter what progress i made and this isnt me being hard on myself. other times, i am aware that i self-sabotage in my decisions that causes further detriment in different aspects of my life. maybe im giving myself some excuse or reason to just go?
the thoughts i focus on the most lately is how ive affected others in my life but only in the negative ways. i told myself i wouldnt regret things anymore, but i think its valid to regret things that ended up hurting others, including myself. i also feel guilty or hopeless when i end up hurting myself in some way that my friends may be disappointed in my actions or my lifestyle.
02 Apr, 2026
even as time passed and i sit with these feelings, sometimes, i wonder if i will be able to make it while knowing that i have never been loved back as deeply as ive loved others. i will not dismiss those who have felt appreciation, gratefulness, thankfulness, or gratitude towards me. however, in this instance... this is about an emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and romantic intimacy.
i've felt melancholic today and cried without trying to. i had a good day at work, got to catch up with people im good friends with and even reconnected with people of my past that i wouldve never expected to come across again. yet, all ive truly thought about is: "who cares for me?" who cares for me so deeply as i feel deeply and intensely and purely, as i stay unconditional in my acts of thoughtfulness, and as i naively give the effort to love again even if my heart cant take it anymore?
i dont feel that this entry is valid because even if i think and feel this way.. my actions show the opposite where i keep everyone at an arm's length even to my closest of friends which isn't fair to them. i may even hurt them or push people away who try to love me but im scared to accept it or to get hurt again. its not that i dont believe i deserve love but ive believed for a long time that i wasnt meant to be with anyone but myself (for everyones good)