something deeper
i haven’t written anything in awhile due to not only life circumstances but introspecting myself over the past few months and where i stand. someone recently asked me why i wanted to become a mortician and my response was that i am an empathetic person and wanting to tend to the deceased for a proper funeral or send-off in urns for those who were loved ones of that who had passed. being able to be there for people who are at one of the lowest points a human can be in life and support them in a time of grief and loss.
i didnt think much of it until i focused on empathy. what it means, what it looks like to me or to others.. it has made me think about how my own empathy was the exact reason why i got fucked over in my life time and time again, yet its something i can never let go of or change about myself. i have been struggling to be at my 100% and i wonder if i am even capable of losing empathy, which i would assume you cant but sometimes i feel like i can just drop it so easily and become so cold. i do not have the energy as i once used to have to be expending it on things that i once did that was foolish. i owe it to myself the time that i deserved working on myself than trying so hard for others due to empathy, seeing the good in others, and reaching for a goalpost that wasnt mutually envisioned.
how naive i was and still can be, but no, not anymore.. not when i can choose who i give my time, empathy, energy, and love into. it shouldve been my closest friends and myself.. i try very hard to vocalize and prove my love and support to my closest friends. they are all very dear to me. i also understand how dangerous it can be to have that immense value on something and to lose it would weigh everything for me. i am more sensitive than people think or assume and i feel immensely, deeply, every fiber of it.
i will miss what i had with people, i will love and cherish what i have now, and i will yearn for a bright future with current and new people. that is who i am, empathy is a curse and a blessing.. but anything can be good and bad
time just seems… to limit me, limits us all and it can run, it can creep away, it can walk, and it wont stop. its a matter of perspective that we can say time stops for us eventually and in this time, i feel that it is slipping, but not stopping.