unsure
i'm not sure where i'm going with this or what i'd say to the world. Actually, i would say a lot to the world... too many things. Anyways, there's just a few things you'll learn about me as i write these entries. Hopefully, you can catch onto those things but i write in a way that's much different from interacting with someone. writing here just feels like a letter to my future self and not really directed towards anyone, but that doesn't mean i won't talk about others that will make them wonder if this is about them.
i guess i can write about what i would want to say but dividing it up based on subject/topic matter. Meaning, i could talk about my past year or specifically things i would want to say to past friends or... the subject of what specific things i went through looked like in my head and how my mind or personality perceived the world around me. If we are talking about what i could say, then just know that i ALWAYS want to say something to someone that i know (even if we don't actively speak) or used to know. Usually good things and realizations or revelations i came across for myself in my journey of growing as a person and learning the harshness the world can be.
The thoughts that haunt me the most are for the people not in my life anymore. i often wonder what they're up to and for some, wish they hadn't left my life due to my circumstances at the time. i even think about people that just grow up and out of your life... like every classmate you've had since preschool. i just wonder how life is treating them and where they are now, if they're proud of themselves or struggling to make it to tomorrow. i say this with emphasis because i've lost someone for good and even though we had a little history, it was enough to make me think deeply and mourn for them. i never met this person in real life but they still made a very big impact on me. i mentioned this to my current friends sometimes... but it makes the statement true: your life has an impact more than you know. People will care for you even if they seem out of your circle or reach. i gripe with this on the other side where there are times that i don't want to stay on Earth when i know that people know me in a vast web of connected people that i barely speak to. They will know that i'm gone and how would that make them feel?
People that are not in my life right now but that are living out of my life: there are many things i'd say to you if we spoke again. Just know that i would not be resentful as i was, for i've forgiven everyone in my past except for my parents. sometimes, i would have these visions in my head of how it would look if i got to speak with those people again.. just us in one space and going through our mistakes and what we learned from it, rather than to just trash everything and burn the bridge. Some may say this is wasteful and to move on without that noise, but i see it as: we are living in this world at the same time and for god knows how long or how short. some measly bad experiences and pasts with these people shouldn't matter, if they aren't even the same and have changed for the better. maybe im stupid and naive, that probably won't change from my childhood... but i'd rather live not regretting what i've done... i would regret more for things i never did or never say.